Bringing Up Boys Who Like Themselves on The Drum on ABC

How to bring up a thriving, well-adjusted boy who believes in himself. 

Transcript

Raising a boy to become a well adjusted,

thriving young man, well, is no mean feat.

But authors Kasey Edwards

and Doctor Christopher Scanlon are attempting to draw a clearer

path for parents now with their new book. It's called Bringing Up Boys Who Like Themselves

and Kasey Edwards joins us now from Melbourne.

Kasey, welcome to The Drum.

Thanks, John. It's great to be here.

Why have you used that phrase “boys that like themselves”

rather than boys that are well adjusted or happy or,

you know, like, why is liking them itself is such a key?

Well, the history behind this book is Chris

and I first wrote two years ago Raising Girls Who Like Themselves.

And we wrote that because we have girls and that was our personal goal for our daughters.

We wanted them to like themselves more than many women grew up liking themselves.

But as soon as our book came out, we were inundated with messages from boy parents saying,

“What about boys? My boy doesn't like himself?”

“What can I do so my boy won't like himself too?”

And there is tremendous pressure on our boys that is affecting the way they see themselves

and like themselves because we are still adhering to old school myths that just don't work anymore.

In fact, they never did, but we're still persisting with them

and we're still doubling down on them.

So for example, that boys are lazy,

so they need to be pushed. We've got to drag them through their education.

And that they're naughty,

so they need to be punished more than girls

or that we need to use shame and intense competition to get our boys to reach their potential.

And the thing about these myths is not only is the evidence really clear

that you do not get the outcome that you want.

It is crushing our boys because they are growing up feeling

like, as a consequence of these strategies, that they are never good enough,

that they're flawed, and that we as parents will only love them and be proud of them

if they're different from or more than what they are now.

And it is really hard, John, to like yourself under those conditions.

Yeah. And Kasey, some of those things you talk about,

it's you know, its parents doing what they think is the right thing to motivate their son,

to discipline their son, that there's clearly a misguided effort there,

but they're they're trying hard.

What what would you say are the the most common mistakes given

that parents are now sort of worrying about,

you know, well, with gender fluidity and,

you know, there's much greater diversity

in what a boy can be and how he can think and behave and so on.

How do they how do they give their child,

their their son, their freedom? Yeah. Look,

it's interesting that you say that there is greater diversity in how you can be a boy.

That's what we want to happen, but what our research showed is that,

really, in many, many families and in many peer groups and classrooms,

there is still only one way to be a boy.

And this is different from girls. Right? Girls have had a whole army of women

for generations fighting for them to be whatever they wanted to be.

Boys still have to be one way.

And if they deviate from that, the penalty is really hard for boys.

So parents with the very best of intentions are trying to sculpt

their boys to adhere to traditional masculinity

because they don't want them to get teased,

they don't want them to get bullied, etcetera.

I would say to parents if your boy does deviate from the traditional definition of masculinity.

Yes, the world is hard for him outside but it is so much worse for him not to feel accepted at home.

And the most important thing we can give to any child regardless

of whether or not they're in that man box or out of it,

is to see them, love them, and value them for who they are in this moment.

And so they know that they're already worthy.

They don't have to be something else,

win something, get a mark on a test.

for self worth and and for you to be proud of them.

To an extent, parents do get to choose some role models,

the people that they bring into their house

and the and the approval that they give to to certain people.

I think even down to, you know, do you buy,

the kids, you know, poster of of this football star or this movie star,

this superhero, what values do they represent?

How important are those role models and the choices that inform them?

I think the word that you use “choice”,

you really nailed it. It is a choice and it should be an intentional choice.

We fall into problems with male role models,

when we just pick any bloke who's good at something,

you know, to be a role model, just

because you can kick a football or even stand in front of a classroom.

You know, male teachers are great.

But you need a good male teacher just because his male doesn't necessarily make him a role model.

And I think that a poor male role model can be really damaging for boys.

So as parents, we need to choose role models that have our values.

That are also going to be available to the boy

because that's what he needs to know that if he picks up the phone,

they're going to talk to him.

And what we recommend is that every parent needs to find a trusted adult,

and they need to set it up ahead of time with this trusted adult and say,

if my child ever comes and talks to you and asks you to keep it confidential and don't tell me,

please don't tell me. And so you need to come back to your child and say,

there's a trust person. If you need something secret,

you tell them. Because one of the reasons kids who get in trouble don't seek help

is because they're worried that they're going to get in trouble by their parents.

So you need that role model

and you need your child to know that that's a safe person

and if they really don't if you really don't want me to know,

I won't know. Quick final reflections from you on the requirement

for if parents want to have a positive impact on their child boy or girl,

they need to invest the time in order to do

it and to be that important influence in their own child's life.

Yeah. Look, I'm going to champion parents here.

Our generation of parents spend more time with our kids than previous generations.

I don't know about you, but

when I was a kid, I was kicked outside to play on the street

and I came home when the lights came on.

And so so I think we need to not bash parents here.

Parents do it a lot. They are very busy.

I think also early year's education is a gift to children as well.

We shouldn't be seeing it

as just like outsourcing and dumping our children in childcare or anything like that.

But we do need to connect them with people outside of our families.

But the message for parents is you don't have to do all the things.

Your child does not need to go to all the extracurricular activities.

You do not need to be run ragged and poor trying to keep up with all the other kids.

Calm, play, reading, be available.

Those are the things that our kids need.

Well, thanks for taking part in this conversation, Kasey.

Great to talk to you.

My pleasure. Thanks for having me on.

Kasey Edwards, co author of the new book, Bringing Up Boys Who Like Themselves.